Recipe for a Bad Day

Disclaimer: I frequently call my baby an "it" in this post, because that is what he was to me at the time. Also, the feelings I express in this post are NOT how I feel now. Just thought you should know :)

It was almost a month before I was able to go to the doctor. It took that long for me to get on insurance. We did go to Planned Parenthood though to take an "official" pregnancy test. I was looking forward to spending some time with my husband and talking about our baby and being excited together. But that didn't happen. C.S. had a bad habit of needing to come with us everywhere we went, and this time was no exception. She invited herself along so she could get her birth control. I couldn't tell her no without becoming the bad guy. I should've just done it anyway. Why was I allowing this girl to spend even more time around my husband when she already got enough to begin with? Maybe I was hoping if I was nice to her, she'd back off. Maybe I was scared that if I was rude to her, Chris wouldn't like it and he'd leave me. Our relationship was fragile enough as it was, I thought I didn't need some lonely, manipulative girl forcing her way into our relationship. I didn't realize at the time that there already WAS a lonely, manipulative girl in the relationship. Only after the fact did I figure out that I was behaving just as badly as C.S.

I became even more controlling than I had been the past month. Besides following him down the hallway, I got furious every time he wanted to go out with out me. I was scared that he would secretly be meeting up with C.S.  We had an outdoor hot tub in our apartment complex. Even though I couldn't sit in it because of the baby, I would sit out there with him in the evening, in the dead of winter, freezing my ears off, all because C.S. would be out there too. That girl really got inside my head. I was completely off the wall.

Of course Chris got irritated with me. Understandably he'd blow me off and leave for hours after he got home from work because he was tired of dealing with my angry, reckless self. I threw temper tantrums (that is the first and only time I will ever admit that). I'd get so angry at him that I'd grab a blanket and pillow and go into our walk in closet and cry myself to sleep. That's the only time I ever cried. And the only reason I did it was because I wanted him to hear me and come in and hug me. I was such a turd head.

Chris wasn't blameless either, of course. These things are never caused by only one person. We were increasingly emotionally abusive to each other. We all have that fight or flight instinct when we feel unsafe or insecure. Mine undoubtedly is to fight.

I was trying so hard to NOT push Chris away, but I was doing it all wrong, and so of course it pushed him away. I blamed him for everything. He never thought about my feelings, never tried to understand my point of view, never seemed to want to try to make things better. I was so busy accusing him of wrongdoing that I never once stopped to consider my own actions.

Let he who hath no sin cast the first stone.

Valentines day came and went. A box of chocolates thrown on the bed. I tried to be grateful. He didn't have to do anything, after all. I wanted to make a steak dinner for him that night. I wanted to spend some time with him without being stressed out and I wanted him to see that I still wanted things to work. I wanted to be happy. Not surprisingly, dinner didn't happen. I can't remember why. We probably got in a fight or something. Looking back on those days, I can see how selfish and uncaring I was. And how lost. It makes me wonder what I'm not seeing in myself now.

Chris started being around C.S. more often because I was being so cruel to him. And I would be cruel to him because he'd hang out with C.S. Circle, circle, circle. It was nothing new to either of us. Sometimes I would try to do nice things for him, to say sorry or just to be nice. He would tell me I only did it to get his attention away from C.S. Sometimes that was it, I'm only human! But sometimes I truly wanted to be good to him.I wanted to go to church. I wanted to feel some sort of peace in my life. But I guess I wasn't feeling the need enough because I would never go. It meant leaving C.S. alone with Chris.

I started to realize things would probably end. I thought, "I want my baby to have a father. But I also don't want him to grow up in such an angry world." My resting pulse was up to 105. I was so stressed out I couldn't hold on to anything for more than half a minute because I was so shaky from the adrenaline my body was constantly producing. I couldn't eat. I was scared I would lose my sweet baby. February and March contained no hope, no happiness. Only anger, heartbreak, and inadequacy were felt. I still didn't feel any connection to my baby, although I felt everything else a parent should feel, especially a fierce need to protect it. But it still didn't feel like it belonged to me.

I asked Chris if we could move. It wasn't financially possible, besides the fact that he didn't want to. One day in early March, I decided that I would NOT lose my baby. If it came down to it, I would leave Chris at the apartment and go live with my parents.

That night, I finally made the steak dinner that was meant for Valentine's Day.

Boston Cream Pie

1 cup flour                                  2/3 cup sugar

1 1/2 tsp baking powder              1/4 tsp salt      

1/2 cup milk                               1/4 cup oil

2 egg yolks                                 1 tsp vanilla

2 egg whites                               1/4 tsp cream of tartar

Vanilla Pudding Filling                  Chocolate Glaze

(see below)                                 (see below)

Vanilla Pudding Filling:

In a saucepan combine 1/2 cup sugar, 2 tab flour, 1 tab cornstarch, and 1/8 tsp salt. Stir in 1 1/4 cups milk. Cook and stir until thickened. Reduce heat; cook and stir 2 min. Set aside. In a bowl, slightly beat 2 eggs. Stir 1 cup of hot mixture into eggs; return to saucepan. Cook and stir 2 min (do NOT boil). Remove from heat, stir in 1 tab margarine and 1 1/2 tsp vanilla till combined. Cover surface with plastic wrap and cool.

Chocolate Glaze:

Melt 1 square (1 oz) unsweetend chocolate and 1 tab margarine over low heat. Remove from heat, stir in 3/4 cup powdered sugar and 1/2 tsp vanilla till crumbly. Stir in 2 tsp very hot water. Stir in 3-4 additional tsp of hot water, 1 tsp at a time, to make a glaze of pouring consistency.

In a medium bowl, combine flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt. Make a well in the mixture. Add milk, oil, egg yolks, and vanilla into the well. Beat with an electric mixer on low-med speed until combined. Then beat on high for 3 min. Set aside.

Thoroughly wash beaters. In large mixing bowl, beat egg whites and cream of tartar until stiff peaks form. Pour the beaten mixture over the egg white mixture and gently fold in. Pour batter into ungreased 9" spring for pan. Bake in 350 degree oven for 25-30 min or till top springs back when lightly touched. Immediately invert the cake in the pan on a wire rack. Cool completely. Remove cake from pan. To assemble, cut cake horizontally in half. Place bottom layer on a serving plate or board. Spread filling on top. Top with second layer. Pour glaze over cake and down sides. Refrigerate.