OH MY GOSH I'M PREGNANT?!

The morning of Jan 22nd, I got straight out of bed and took the test. I had a feeling I was. I just knew. But I still wasn't going to believe myself until I saw proof. Instead of waiting the three minutes for the result, I did a no-no... I peeked. And saw a little blue plus sign. I immediately had so much adrenaline rushing through me that I burst out of our bathroom and jumped back into bed, shaking so bad that Chris asked me what was wrong. I told him I was just really nervous to see the result. I felt bad for knowing before he did! And I also wasn't sure if the test started out positive and then turned negative or what, so I didn't want to say anything just in case.

Three minutes later, I told Chris to go look. I was so shocked that I couldn't look again. Was I really pregnant?!!!! What was I supposed to do?!!!!!! I was terrified of being pregnant, I always had been. I had always wanted to adopt because being pregnant and being in labor was one of my biggest fears. All this was going through my mind as Chris walked over to the test and studied it. Then he said, "What symbol is it supposed to be if you are pregnant?" Of course. He's a dude. He wouldn't notice the print ON THE TEST that says (+)=pregnant, (-)= not pregnant. Now I'm nearly frantic to know the answer for sure. JUST TELL ME WHAT THE STUPID THING SAYS!!!! So I asked if it had a plus or a minus sign. He waited for a minute, then said. "It's a plus".

All of a sudden I NEEDED to see that test again. To make sure he wasn't teasing me. I grabbed it and sure enough, a plus. A plus. PLUS. (+)= PREGNANT. And my mind went blank. I think Chris' did too. I just kept saying "oh my gosh, oh my gosh" a hundred times, until I came back to real life. Then Chris started talking about telling our families. WHAT? NO! It was too early! We'd only taken one test! My mom hates it when people tell her they are pregnant before they are through their first 3 months, because otherwise it just takes too long for the baby to get there! We hadn't even been to the doctor! What if the test was faulty, for heaven's sake. The test! Take the other test! So I took the other test. Positive again. I am proud to say that those are the only two tests I took. :)

Chris refused to wait to tell our parents, and so a few hours later we were in my driveway. I was hating myself. I did not want to be pregnant so soon. I did not want to be here at my parents telling them this. I knew what my parents would feel, and of course they would be right. We had no money for a baby, we weren't prepared for a baby, we didn't have room for a baby. What would we do? And then we were in the front door. I talked to my parents for a few and then Chris and me went upstairs where we could be alone for a minute, because I just couldn't do it. I knew exactly how my mom would react. I knew what my dad would feel, but I wasn't entirely sure how he would react. Why couldn't we just wait?! But I couldn't, because Chris was determined to tell his parents that day, and since our parents are neighbors, they talk a lot. What one knows, the other knows by the next week.

The pic is my whole family, taken a few years ago. 


Then my sister came upstairs. She would be 17 for a few more months. We told her that we had something to say, but she couldn't freak out or scream or anything (she's a pretty loud kid ha ha). So I told her she was going to be an aunt. True to character, she screamed. Thankfully it was in a whisper. At least someone was happy. It gave me the courage to go downstairs and tell my parents. I stood around awkwardly for a second, trying to figure out how to say it. Finally I just said "We have something to tell you", which of course got their attention. And then I told them they were going to be grandparents. I could tell my dad had a million thoughts running through his mind, but he managed a hug and a congratulations. I was very grateful for that. My mom was more reserved, I know she wanted to get all her worries out and I know that me being pregnant was very stressful for her, because of the situation we were in. But she kept it in for the time, for which I was also very grateful. She just went upstairs for a minute and then moved on to other things. I took it as a good sign, because this is what she does when she wants to think before she speaks, or when she doesn't feel prepared to face something. I was scared she was going to be disappointed in me. Not for being pregnant, she LOVES babies. But for not being responsible enough to wait until a time when we would be prepared for this. She was right of, course. She is always right! I know they were excited too, but they are very down to earth and so their minds immediately moved from "wow, we are going to be grandparents" to "how is our daughter going to be able to do this?" After a little bit she gave me a hug too, and I could tell how worried she was, so I decided it was time to go and leave her in peace for awhile. My parents love me so much! They are amazing. My brother (he'd turn 14 in a month) acted like he was too cool to care. But he did. You will see that, later. :) My other brother, who was nearly 20, was (and is) on a mission, so he would find out later.

Next, we moved on to Chris' parents. I had no idea what to expect with them. Luckily, Chris' sister (we'll call her L) was there, with her son (we'll call him G) who was a few months old. She would be excited just like my sister. And she was! We all were downstairs when I told them that G was going to have a cousin. L was happy, and Chris' parents I think were a little shocked but they hid it well. I remember talking about all the stupid names we'd come up with earlier that day, just to break the ice a little because I was feeling rather awkward. L was very nice to me. By that time I was so tired from the day's events that I don't remember what happened after that or what else was said. I just remember how excited Chris was to be a father.

Sorry Kim!!!

I have to apologize to my cousin, ha ha. I told her I'd write the next thing to my story today and I've just been too busy and now I need to go to bed! So I will try to do it tomorrow, ok Kim? :) Love ya!

BarlowGirl - Never Alone (Video)

This song shows a lot of my thoughts in the few months preceeding my decision to place for adoption. I love Barlow Girls!

The First Month

That first month and a half of our marriage seems so long ago, even though it's been less than a year. It was fairly peaceful and fun at first, even if we did have to deal with messy inconsiderate room mates. I don't really want to complain about them too much, because nobody is perfect, but MAN they were a pain in the butt!! I really could go on about them all day, but I won't because they could say the same thing about me... I will just say they made me very grateful for the way I was raised and all the things my parents taught me (even if I wasn't following any of it all that often).

Sometime in that first month, I remember I started to feel a longing to get back into church. It was a weird feeling because I had not been an active member for quite a few years and I didn't know why I was having these feelings other than I felt something was missing from my husband's and my life, and I knew that was it. However, I pushed all those feelings aside because I was scared that if I changed my life that much, it would all fall apart between Chris and me just when we were finally holding things together. Yes, I know that not inviting God into a spousal relationship was a recipe for disaster. Yes, I knew the reason Chris and me had so many problems was the very thing I was pushing away. But I was scared. I had no courage, no hope or faith in anyone but my own abilities, which I also knew were inadequate. But I still pushed God away, ignoring the ever increasing need for His guidance and love.

Also, sometime in that first month, our roommate's friend (we'll call her C.S.) moved onto our couch. She was 19, cute, outgoing, and as she told Chris and me over and over, she didn't live by any rules. She soon made her intentions very clear to me. She wanted my husband, and since rules didn't apply to her, she'd stop at nothing to get him. To say the situation in our apartment became hostile is an understatement. She knew what she was doing was wrong. I could tell by the way she would become quiet when I entered the same room, the way she could never hold my gaze. The way she always pouted and got moody when she thought she'd get Chris to herself for a few hours only to find out I was hanging around. Yes, I knew exactly what she was up to. So what did I do? I can tell you I didn't turn to God. No, I was still way too stubborn to do that. Someone once told me that the word stubborn is synonymous with "selfish". It means the same thing, and its true. Instead of having faith in God to help me, I tried to control the situation myself. If he went down the hallway, I went too. If he was going somewhere, I came too. If I heard C.S. talking to him, I was immediately there to see what she was saying. If he didn't come home right after work, I yelled. And I admit, because of all the stress and because I didn't trust her, I didn't trust him either. A marriage can't exist with no trust. You can imagine how hard it was for him, not having one second of the day to himself, with me always there, always asking what he'd been doing or if she'd texted him, etc. I was driving myself crazy, even. But I couldn't help it, not when this girl was everywhere. I'd go to Chris' work to see him (and to be controlling yet again) and she would be there. Every time. She texted him constantly. We'd go bowling, she would come. We'd go to the base near our apartment, she would come. She was EVERYWHERE. I felt like if I left Chris alone for more than a minute with her I'd lose him. She's very persuasive. Needless to say, the way I handled things wasn't helping. What idiots we all are sometimes! Even though it was stressful, it wasn't as bad as it was going to get. We still had some good times, we still laughed a lot and had fun and pretty much layed around watching tv. Times were good. I'd put a picture up but I kinda deleted all my pictures of us that I took after we were married... I got angry one day. It happens ha ha! So I'll skip a picture for this post. But guess what?!

 On January 22nd, I took a little test that morning, and the results came out positive. I was pregnant!! AAHHHH!!!!!

Quote

One of the adoptive couples that I looked at awhile back had this quote on their profile. I just wanted to post it because it gave me an extra push a lot of times. Next time I post I will get back to my story :)
"There is in every true woman's heart a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity; but which kindles and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity."
- Washington Irving

Mark Schultz - Everything To Me (Video)

The Married Life

Chris and me have known each other since about age 8, since we grew up down the street from each other. We drove each other nuts until we were almost out of junior high. Then we just tolerated each other for awhile. By high school I had a huge ol' crush on him, but of course he was a ladies man and I was just one of those thorns in his side that drove all the really cute girls away! LOL  I remember the night of my very first date, just after I turned 16, I got a phone call from him asking if I wanted to double with him and his friend Kelly. Of course! I was so excited to finally be going on a date with him, and quickly got ready, only to open the door when bell rang to find Kelly... Chris had failed to tell me on the phone that he had a girlfriend, and that it was his friend that needed the date. Oh well! His friend was cute too and I was glad to just be spending time with Chris. Of course, since it was my first date my mom had the camera out and everything and it was so embarrassing! I had also showed my sister a picture of Kelly in our yearbook and said he was cute, so of course she follows us down the front steps and blurts it all out "Kristi thinks you're really cute!". What a great start to my first date. But it ended up being really fun.

We graduated high school a few years later in 2004 and didn't see much of each other. Chris joined the National Guard and went quite a few places. Two of them being Nicaragua to help build schools/bridges/etc. and Louisiana when Hurricane Katrina hit. He was put on graveyard duty, meaning he got to find all the bodies. Since most of them were in water, they were swollen and every time he pulled on them they would explode. Some people would literally be dying when he came across them, and he would have to watch them die. He still has nightmares about all of it.
We started dating in March of 2007. I was so stinkin' excited!!! It sure took him long enough! We had time together for 2 months before he deployed to Iraq in May, and I was so proud to be a soldier's girlfriend. I used every excuse I could to bring it up to anyone who would listen! At the time I was living with my parents, and my cousins needed a roomie up in Logan, so I moved in with them and got a job at Pepperidge Farms. Chris and me got to email pretty much every day, which is amazing as most soldiers in the sandbox do not have time to do that. Chris' company was a security force so he spent a lot of time outside the safety zones, so really I don't know how he had the time to email so much. I'm very grateful for it though.

He came home over Christmas for leave, and proposed to me in front of his whole family. We'd been talking about it, he even told me he bought me a ring in Iraq, so I was expecting it. But it was good to finally have it official! He went back to Iraq for a few more months and came home in April of 2008. From there until we got married we broke up quite a few times. I'd break up with him because it always seemed like he was stringing other girls along and I didn't trust him, and he'd break up with me because I was extremely controlling and my depression was just too much for him to handle. But we always ended up back together.

We did have a lot of fun and we work well together when we aren't at each others throats, which was more often than not. After a couple months of seperation in 2009, we got back together in October and in mid November set a wedding date for Dec 7th. Wow, crazy, I know! The things I put my poor parents through. This was the time I was living in my car. Well, actually it would have been Chris' truck because he would not let me sleep alone in the middle of a parking lot. So he slept out there every night with me for a couple months in the cold weather. When I told my mom we had a wedding date set, she let me move back in since it was only for a few weeks. We decided to have the wedding in december and wait to have our reception in january, so as not to stress out my mom too much with plans. So on December 7, 2009, Chris and me got hitched in our church. We just had our immediate family and a few close friends there.

We went on our honeymoon to Midway, and ended up wrecking his truck on the way up. Which is typical. Chris has wrecked every vehicle he's owned except one. That's just his luck. We had three days to ourselves and then it was back to real life. We found an apartment with another couple, since we couldn't afford to live anywhere on our own. We knew the guy from high school but had never really talked to him or anything, and he had a girlfriend. Living with another couple was definitely not on our list of fun things to do, but it's all we could do. So our married life began.

Facts

Here is some more background information and random facts:
- I was almost 19 years old when I got my first kiss from a guy who was 9 years older than me. 

- My husband and me had an on again off again relationship for 3 years... and I still married him...

- I lived in my car for a couple months at the beginning of winter '09 because I refused to live by my parents rules and couldn't afford a place of my own.

- I have social anxiety and depression. When I was younger I couldn't even go up to the counter at mcdonalds to ask for ketchup. I never got A's in school because I could not do projects that involved standing up in front of the class or working in groups. I would not even cut my own cake at my wedding because people would be watching me too much. yup. Lame, eh? ha ha

- I am Mormon, but haven't really gone to church in the past 6 years. However, I am trying to change that. Through my experiences I've learned that you can't get through this life alone! Heavenly Father is only waiting for you to ask for His help, and there is no such thing as being so bad of a person that He will deny you that help. I love my religion and my God and hope I will never disappoint him so much ever again.

- My husband is a veteran, he served in Iraq from may '07 to april '08, and no matter how much I may say I am angry at him, I am so proud of him and all of our soldiers for doing what they have to do. There is so much to being a soldier that most people never even dream of, I have to say they probably have the hardest lives of anyone. I love our soldiers.

That's all for today!