Leaving

I am such a horrible blogger. It comes from my lack of patience. Anyway, I don't really like talking about the next part much, so I suppose I'll just have to get it over with. Plus I'm getting bored with this part of the story.
Chris and me did ok for awhile, and then in early April he told me he wanted a divorce again, and this time his decision was final. I refused to leave, until I finally gave up and moved back into my parents in May. All of this meant placing my baby for adoption. Neither Chris or me had the financial, emotional, or mental capabilities to care for a child, and our parents weren't in the position to help. Also, I wasn't about to let my baby grow up without two parents in the same home.
After I moved back into my parents, Chris again went back and forth on what he wanted. Sometimes it was literally every two days where he would go from wanting a divorce to wanting to stay together. I wasn't any better. At that point, I didn't know who I was or what I wanted. I had been brought to my knees and I didn't know how to get back up. (That turned out to save me, in the end.) 
Chris did not want to place, and so at first I was nervous that he was just going back and forth on us until our baby was born, and then he'd get the divorce and ask for custody. But then I thought about him, and yes, he has his faults, just like me, but he would never do something like that.
Soon after I moved back in to my parents, I quit my job. No two week notice, no phone call. I just didn't go in. My anxiety was taking over my mind again, and at that point I was helpless to stop it. I don't even know how to explain what happens when I get anxious. I can't think straight, and I literally cannot control my muscles or thoughts. At this point, I've learned to control that somewhat, but back then, every time anxiety hit, there was nothing I could do.
This is pretty much all I can remember about that part of my life.
At least happier times were ahead! 



My favorite childhood meal (and now a big comfort food. Ha ha!)
Crunch Top Potatoes
1/3 cup margarine
3 or 4 large potatoes, peeled and cut into small cubes
3/4 cup crushed corn flakes
1 1/2 cups shredded sharp cheddar cheese
1 tsp salt
1 1/2 tsp paprika

Heat oven to 350. Melt butter in a large bowl, then add potatoes, salt, and paprika. Mix until well coated. Spread out onto a cookie sheet and add a layer of cornflakes on the top. Bake 30 minutes. Put cheese on the top of the cornflakes the last 5 minutes of bake time.

recipe changes

So my mom and me played around with the wassail recipe that I posted last time. We discovered that if you leave out the lemonade, substitute apple juice for the cider, and instead of 1 cup sugar, do 1/2 cup sugar and 1/2 brown sugar, and add twice the amount of whole spices, it tastes super good! As in, I like it more than the original one! Just a thought. :)

Decisions

This post is a little repetitive from one of my previous posts. Bear with me :)
After I realized how stubborn I was being, I started thinking about what needed to happen. I needed to have a better attitude. I needed to have more compassion for certain people and not be so judgemental.

              Try a little harder, to be a little better. 

I wanted my baby to have a father. I wanted my baby to have the opportunities of being in my church. Most of all, I did not want to lose my baby. My stress level was so high I knew that I could possibly cause damage to my little baby. I would go to my parent's or cousin's if I had to, and leave Chris with C.S.

I felt this baby was more important than any wants or dreams of mine. Chris and me started talking about divorce. He wanted it, I didn't. I was really angry at myself for not being a better wife. I was angry at Chris for not caring anymore. It was like he was gone. He came home from work every night and I never felt like he was there with me. Most likely he probably felt the same way with me. And yet I still wanted it to work. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

On March 7th I was 13 weeks, and my clothes were getting tighter! Everything with the baby was going great, and even though I had awful morning sickness, it didn't bother me. I was too excited to care about all the gross pregnancy stuff.

I stayed in my room all day because of my morning sickness. Our apartment stunk SO BAD because M&E never cleaned anything, and I could only handle being out of the bedroom just long enough to grab a day's supply of food and run back to my room. It was kind of a blessing in disguise though, because the sicker I was, the more they would leave me alone... plus it gave me an excuse to watch tv all day! Sometimes I can be pretty lazy. :)

Things got better between Chris and me. I have no idea why, but at the time I thought maybe it was the baby that was turning things around. Chris loved to try and feel him, even though he wasn't big enough yet. I was glad for the peace and quiet between us, but I still couldn't help but feel that this baby didn't belong to me, and that God had something special in mind for him.

We needed some extra income, so I found a job pretty quickly working at an Arby's. I do love Arby's.

I loved my first day and my manager was AWESOME. I thought maybe this was the time that my anxiety wouldn't get the best of me, and I'd actually be able to keep a job.

Things were looking up, and yet for some reason unkown to me, I found myself browsing through adoptive couple profiles on a church website (http://www.itsaboutlove.org/).

14 weeks. He looks like he is trying to suck his thumb... even though that isn't really possible yet.

Recipe for:

WASSAIL

1 quart water

1 tsp whole allspice

1 large can frozen orange juice

3-5 sticks whole cinnamon

1/2-1 can frozen lemonade

1/8 tsp ground ginger

2 quarts apple cider

5 whole cloves

In a large saucepan, mix water, sugar, cinnamon, ginger, cloves and allspice. Boil 10 minutes. Remove spices. Add remaining ingredients and bring to a simmer. Drink hot!

 TIPS: you can put the cloves, cinnamon, and allspice into cheesecloth or use a strainer to get them out of the drink. Also, I like the spices so I always add a little extra of everything to make it not so drab :)