Another Downer...

I had my first doctor's appointment (dr appt) in late Feb. By that time I was fed up with having C.S. STILL sleeping on our couch and trying to be a "homewrecker" for lack of a better word. It was illegal for her to even be living in our apartment, so I went to our office two days prior to my dr appt, and they said I couldn't get in trouble for moving her stuff out. I let her know that day if she wasn't moved out in two days then I would move her out myself. She didn't believe me.

M&E (roomies) were having problems with her too. She was eating our food, using our power, water, cars, etc., she never cleaned up after herself, and she never paid us a penny, despite constantly telling us that she'd reimburse us for the gas and utility bills that she used up. But I knew that M&E would still have a problem with me moving her stuff out, despite the fact that E had told me several times that she wanted C.S. out. But two days later, her stuff was still in our apartment. I quickly threw everything into boxes and put it all out in our covered parking stall. Did I mention it was raining and the wind was blowing, and none of the boxes had lids?
Chris showed up as I was leaving for the dr appt. I thought he would just go straight to the hospital from work, and I was eager to leave before the others came home and saw C.S.'s stuff outside. Plus, I knew that I shouldn't have done it that way anyway so I just wanted to leave before someone got mad at me! I will do anything to avoid a confrontation.

Chris took his time changing his clothes and eating lunch, and I was getting frantic! I just knew they were going to come home before we were gone. Sure enough, the door opened and M&E are LIVID. They started yelling at me and bringing her stuff back in. I yelled back, which was starting to happen more and more often. I never used to yell. I slammed M's microwave door shut and he took it into his room, screaming at me that if I was gonna treat his stuff that way, then I couldn't use it. That was the WRONG thing to say. He had ruined every single piece of kitchen appliances that we had, and it really made me angry, especially because he never replaced any of it. So I started screaming back at him that I could easily cook without a microwave, but he'd have a hard time without all of my kitchen stuff.

Soon after, I found myself in our bedroom. I have no idea if I went there myself or if Chris took me back. I could hear M&E bringing the rest of C.S. stuff back in. I was crying uncontrollably. Chris was hugging me. Then I remembered the dr appt! We were going to be late!

I started hyperventilating on the way to the doc. I was so shaken up that I was going into Panic Attack Mode, as I call it. Like I said, I don't like confrontations. Luckily I calmed down enough to be ok. We didn't meet our doc this time, it was just her NP. She was super nice and gave us an ultrasound! The first time I saw my little baby was amazing. I could actually see a little body starting to form! I was so proud of those ultrasound pictures. 

C.S. moved into another apartment with a guy a few days later. But she still hung around Chris WAY too much. She still got pouty when she didn't get time alone with him. One day, Chris, her, and her guy friend were going for an early season motorbike ride (just fyi, LOVE the CBR, that was mine to ride until it got sold, then we just had Chris' GXSR) and I invited myself along. Yes! I know! It was the one and only time I rode during my pregnancy, I promise!!!! I had taken Chris' backseat off his bike awhile ago, because it was MY seat, and I knew very well that once C.S. found out he had a bike, she'd ask for a ride. She didn't need to get any closer to my husband than she had been already. When I came out holding the seat, C.S. was glaring at me. Chris told me later that she had asked for a ride, and he had told her he didn't have a backseat. (this is awful but I got SO MUCH satisfaction out of that.) We only got a block from the apartment when she had her friend pull their bike over. She didn't feel like riding anymore. I'll give you one guess as to why. Pout.

I know I sound mean and critical when I talk about her. Please understand that I did not and do not hate her. I know she is a child of God, just like me, and I know she isn't perfect, just like me. I tried to keep that in mind, although it had a tendency to go in one ear and out the other... I know between the two of us, God was probably more disappointed in me than her, because I knew better than to act the way I was acting. But I still had that darn rebellious streak. It should've hit in high school, but I've always been a late bloomer.

The reason I talk so harshly is because that time was incredibly stressful, and still, even just thinking about it, my hands start shaking and all that weight comes back onto my shoulders. The only way I know how to deal with it is through anger. I will be glad when this part of the story is over and we can move on to the adoption stuff!

I put the ultrasound photo in a frame on our bookcase. We didn't talk about the baby much. Part of the reason was we didn't know what to say. Part of it was I was scared. We didn't know how to talk to each other anymore and I was scared that if we did talk, we'd discover that we couldn't support this child, just like we couldn't support each other. I wasn't ready for things to be over already. Most people call it denial. I call it stubbornness.

RECIPE FOR A COZY, RAINY AFTERNOON

1 loved one

1 good book

1 roaring fire

1 mug of sweet or spicy hot cocoa. See below for both the recipes.

Spiced Cocoa

1 cup brown sugar

1 cup Dutch processed cocoa

pinch of cayenne pepper 

1 cup milk, divided

Combine all ingredients except milk. Put 1/2 cup milk and 2 tab cocoa mixture into a jar with a tight lid, and shake (mixes better than stirring). Add the other 1/2 cup milk and shake. Pour into a pan and bring to simmer, or pour into a mug and heat in microwave. 

Hot Peppermint Cocoa

2/3 cup powdered cocoa

3/4 cup sugar

2/3 cup finely crushed peppermint candy

8 cups milk, divided

1 tab vanilla

1 tab butter

1 cup whipping cream, whipped

8 small candy canes

In a large saucepan, stir cocoa, sugar, and crushed peppermint. Gradually add about 2/3 cup of the milk to form a smooth paste. Stir in the rest of the milk and heat slowly over medium heat, stirring constantly until hot. Do not boil. Remove from heat, stir in vanilla and butter. Top with a dollop of cream and add a candy cane for a stirrer. Serves 8.