hey

Sorry everyone I know it's been awhile! Just letting you know I'm still here. :) It's been pretty hectic lately with Christmas coming and I've been trying to get my jewelry business up and going before then. I'll TRY to get some time here in the next week to write.

Giving of Thanks

I am thankful for: 

 TIME

FAMILIES

AND SECOND CHANCES

Another Downer...

I had my first doctor's appointment (dr appt) in late Feb. By that time I was fed up with having C.S. STILL sleeping on our couch and trying to be a "homewrecker" for lack of a better word. It was illegal for her to even be living in our apartment, so I went to our office two days prior to my dr appt, and they said I couldn't get in trouble for moving her stuff out. I let her know that day if she wasn't moved out in two days then I would move her out myself. She didn't believe me.

M&E (roomies) were having problems with her too. She was eating our food, using our power, water, cars, etc., she never cleaned up after herself, and she never paid us a penny, despite constantly telling us that she'd reimburse us for the gas and utility bills that she used up. But I knew that M&E would still have a problem with me moving her stuff out, despite the fact that E had told me several times that she wanted C.S. out. But two days later, her stuff was still in our apartment. I quickly threw everything into boxes and put it all out in our covered parking stall. Did I mention it was raining and the wind was blowing, and none of the boxes had lids?
Chris showed up as I was leaving for the dr appt. I thought he would just go straight to the hospital from work, and I was eager to leave before the others came home and saw C.S.'s stuff outside. Plus, I knew that I shouldn't have done it that way anyway so I just wanted to leave before someone got mad at me! I will do anything to avoid a confrontation.

Chris took his time changing his clothes and eating lunch, and I was getting frantic! I just knew they were going to come home before we were gone. Sure enough, the door opened and M&E are LIVID. They started yelling at me and bringing her stuff back in. I yelled back, which was starting to happen more and more often. I never used to yell. I slammed M's microwave door shut and he took it into his room, screaming at me that if I was gonna treat his stuff that way, then I couldn't use it. That was the WRONG thing to say. He had ruined every single piece of kitchen appliances that we had, and it really made me angry, especially because he never replaced any of it. So I started screaming back at him that I could easily cook without a microwave, but he'd have a hard time without all of my kitchen stuff.

Soon after, I found myself in our bedroom. I have no idea if I went there myself or if Chris took me back. I could hear M&E bringing the rest of C.S. stuff back in. I was crying uncontrollably. Chris was hugging me. Then I remembered the dr appt! We were going to be late!

I started hyperventilating on the way to the doc. I was so shaken up that I was going into Panic Attack Mode, as I call it. Like I said, I don't like confrontations. Luckily I calmed down enough to be ok. We didn't meet our doc this time, it was just her NP. She was super nice and gave us an ultrasound! The first time I saw my little baby was amazing. I could actually see a little body starting to form! I was so proud of those ultrasound pictures. 

C.S. moved into another apartment with a guy a few days later. But she still hung around Chris WAY too much. She still got pouty when she didn't get time alone with him. One day, Chris, her, and her guy friend were going for an early season motorbike ride (just fyi, LOVE the CBR, that was mine to ride until it got sold, then we just had Chris' GXSR) and I invited myself along. Yes! I know! It was the one and only time I rode during my pregnancy, I promise!!!! I had taken Chris' backseat off his bike awhile ago, because it was MY seat, and I knew very well that once C.S. found out he had a bike, she'd ask for a ride. She didn't need to get any closer to my husband than she had been already. When I came out holding the seat, C.S. was glaring at me. Chris told me later that she had asked for a ride, and he had told her he didn't have a backseat. (this is awful but I got SO MUCH satisfaction out of that.) We only got a block from the apartment when she had her friend pull their bike over. She didn't feel like riding anymore. I'll give you one guess as to why. Pout.

I know I sound mean and critical when I talk about her. Please understand that I did not and do not hate her. I know she is a child of God, just like me, and I know she isn't perfect, just like me. I tried to keep that in mind, although it had a tendency to go in one ear and out the other... I know between the two of us, God was probably more disappointed in me than her, because I knew better than to act the way I was acting. But I still had that darn rebellious streak. It should've hit in high school, but I've always been a late bloomer.

The reason I talk so harshly is because that time was incredibly stressful, and still, even just thinking about it, my hands start shaking and all that weight comes back onto my shoulders. The only way I know how to deal with it is through anger. I will be glad when this part of the story is over and we can move on to the adoption stuff!

I put the ultrasound photo in a frame on our bookcase. We didn't talk about the baby much. Part of the reason was we didn't know what to say. Part of it was I was scared. We didn't know how to talk to each other anymore and I was scared that if we did talk, we'd discover that we couldn't support this child, just like we couldn't support each other. I wasn't ready for things to be over already. Most people call it denial. I call it stubbornness.

RECIPE FOR A COZY, RAINY AFTERNOON

1 loved one

1 good book

1 roaring fire

1 mug of sweet or spicy hot cocoa. See below for both the recipes.

Spiced Cocoa

1 cup brown sugar

1 cup Dutch processed cocoa

pinch of cayenne pepper 

1 cup milk, divided

Combine all ingredients except milk. Put 1/2 cup milk and 2 tab cocoa mixture into a jar with a tight lid, and shake (mixes better than stirring). Add the other 1/2 cup milk and shake. Pour into a pan and bring to simmer, or pour into a mug and heat in microwave. 

Hot Peppermint Cocoa

2/3 cup powdered cocoa

3/4 cup sugar

2/3 cup finely crushed peppermint candy

8 cups milk, divided

1 tab vanilla

1 tab butter

1 cup whipping cream, whipped

8 small candy canes

In a large saucepan, stir cocoa, sugar, and crushed peppermint. Gradually add about 2/3 cup of the milk to form a smooth paste. Stir in the rest of the milk and heat slowly over medium heat, stirring constantly until hot. Do not boil. Remove from heat, stir in vanilla and butter. Top with a dollop of cream and add a candy cane for a stirrer. Serves 8.  

Read this blog

http://www.danoah.com/2010/11/small-side-of-numbers.html

I follow this blog. The guy that writes it has such amazing views on life. He really makes you think and he has a way of giving you hope in your own life. I especially love his last post. Please read it!

Recipe for a Bad Day

Disclaimer: I frequently call my baby an "it" in this post, because that is what he was to me at the time. Also, the feelings I express in this post are NOT how I feel now. Just thought you should know :)

It was almost a month before I was able to go to the doctor. It took that long for me to get on insurance. We did go to Planned Parenthood though to take an "official" pregnancy test. I was looking forward to spending some time with my husband and talking about our baby and being excited together. But that didn't happen. C.S. had a bad habit of needing to come with us everywhere we went, and this time was no exception. She invited herself along so she could get her birth control. I couldn't tell her no without becoming the bad guy. I should've just done it anyway. Why was I allowing this girl to spend even more time around my husband when she already got enough to begin with? Maybe I was hoping if I was nice to her, she'd back off. Maybe I was scared that if I was rude to her, Chris wouldn't like it and he'd leave me. Our relationship was fragile enough as it was, I thought I didn't need some lonely, manipulative girl forcing her way into our relationship. I didn't realize at the time that there already WAS a lonely, manipulative girl in the relationship. Only after the fact did I figure out that I was behaving just as badly as C.S.

I became even more controlling than I had been the past month. Besides following him down the hallway, I got furious every time he wanted to go out with out me. I was scared that he would secretly be meeting up with C.S.  We had an outdoor hot tub in our apartment complex. Even though I couldn't sit in it because of the baby, I would sit out there with him in the evening, in the dead of winter, freezing my ears off, all because C.S. would be out there too. That girl really got inside my head. I was completely off the wall.

Of course Chris got irritated with me. Understandably he'd blow me off and leave for hours after he got home from work because he was tired of dealing with my angry, reckless self. I threw temper tantrums (that is the first and only time I will ever admit that). I'd get so angry at him that I'd grab a blanket and pillow and go into our walk in closet and cry myself to sleep. That's the only time I ever cried. And the only reason I did it was because I wanted him to hear me and come in and hug me. I was such a turd head.

Chris wasn't blameless either, of course. These things are never caused by only one person. We were increasingly emotionally abusive to each other. We all have that fight or flight instinct when we feel unsafe or insecure. Mine undoubtedly is to fight.

I was trying so hard to NOT push Chris away, but I was doing it all wrong, and so of course it pushed him away. I blamed him for everything. He never thought about my feelings, never tried to understand my point of view, never seemed to want to try to make things better. I was so busy accusing him of wrongdoing that I never once stopped to consider my own actions.

Let he who hath no sin cast the first stone.

Valentines day came and went. A box of chocolates thrown on the bed. I tried to be grateful. He didn't have to do anything, after all. I wanted to make a steak dinner for him that night. I wanted to spend some time with him without being stressed out and I wanted him to see that I still wanted things to work. I wanted to be happy. Not surprisingly, dinner didn't happen. I can't remember why. We probably got in a fight or something. Looking back on those days, I can see how selfish and uncaring I was. And how lost. It makes me wonder what I'm not seeing in myself now.

Chris started being around C.S. more often because I was being so cruel to him. And I would be cruel to him because he'd hang out with C.S. Circle, circle, circle. It was nothing new to either of us. Sometimes I would try to do nice things for him, to say sorry or just to be nice. He would tell me I only did it to get his attention away from C.S. Sometimes that was it, I'm only human! But sometimes I truly wanted to be good to him.I wanted to go to church. I wanted to feel some sort of peace in my life. But I guess I wasn't feeling the need enough because I would never go. It meant leaving C.S. alone with Chris.

I started to realize things would probably end. I thought, "I want my baby to have a father. But I also don't want him to grow up in such an angry world." My resting pulse was up to 105. I was so stressed out I couldn't hold on to anything for more than half a minute because I was so shaky from the adrenaline my body was constantly producing. I couldn't eat. I was scared I would lose my sweet baby. February and March contained no hope, no happiness. Only anger, heartbreak, and inadequacy were felt. I still didn't feel any connection to my baby, although I felt everything else a parent should feel, especially a fierce need to protect it. But it still didn't feel like it belonged to me.

I asked Chris if we could move. It wasn't financially possible, besides the fact that he didn't want to. One day in early March, I decided that I would NOT lose my baby. If it came down to it, I would leave Chris at the apartment and go live with my parents.

That night, I finally made the steak dinner that was meant for Valentine's Day.

Boston Cream Pie

1 cup flour                                  2/3 cup sugar

1 1/2 tsp baking powder              1/4 tsp salt      

1/2 cup milk                               1/4 cup oil

2 egg yolks                                 1 tsp vanilla

2 egg whites                               1/4 tsp cream of tartar

Vanilla Pudding Filling                  Chocolate Glaze

(see below)                                 (see below)

Vanilla Pudding Filling:

In a saucepan combine 1/2 cup sugar, 2 tab flour, 1 tab cornstarch, and 1/8 tsp salt. Stir in 1 1/4 cups milk. Cook and stir until thickened. Reduce heat; cook and stir 2 min. Set aside. In a bowl, slightly beat 2 eggs. Stir 1 cup of hot mixture into eggs; return to saucepan. Cook and stir 2 min (do NOT boil). Remove from heat, stir in 1 tab margarine and 1 1/2 tsp vanilla till combined. Cover surface with plastic wrap and cool.

Chocolate Glaze:

Melt 1 square (1 oz) unsweetend chocolate and 1 tab margarine over low heat. Remove from heat, stir in 3/4 cup powdered sugar and 1/2 tsp vanilla till crumbly. Stir in 2 tsp very hot water. Stir in 3-4 additional tsp of hot water, 1 tsp at a time, to make a glaze of pouring consistency.

In a medium bowl, combine flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt. Make a well in the mixture. Add milk, oil, egg yolks, and vanilla into the well. Beat with an electric mixer on low-med speed until combined. Then beat on high for 3 min. Set aside.

Thoroughly wash beaters. In large mixing bowl, beat egg whites and cream of tartar until stiff peaks form. Pour the beaten mixture over the egg white mixture and gently fold in. Pour batter into ungreased 9" spring for pan. Bake in 350 degree oven for 25-30 min or till top springs back when lightly touched. Immediately invert the cake in the pan on a wire rack. Cool completely. Remove cake from pan. To assemble, cut cake horizontally in half. Place bottom layer on a serving plate or board. Spread filling on top. Top with second layer. Pour glaze over cake and down sides. Refrigerate.



Thoughts For My Baby cont'd

I didn't have time to post much more than the poem last time, I wanted to explain why I posted it in the first place. It has a great deal of meaning to me, it's how I felt throughout my entire pregnancy, but I mostly wanted to focus on the first few months because that is where I'm at in my story.

Even though I wasn't sure at that time that having a baby was a good thing, I still wanted to love and care for him (although I didn't know it was a him at the time...) as best I could. I was going to do everything I possibly could for my baby. And so my first trimester was filled with thoughts on how I could prepare for a child, and how I could parent the right way. I couldn't wait for the first time I would look into my baby's eyes. I couldn't wait for the first smile, laugh, and banged elbow. I couldn't wait for kindergarten, the driver's license, prom, mission, wedding day, and finally, grandkids of my own. I was looking very far ahead :)

Of course I was terrified too. I never had been much of a babysitter and most of my patience for kids had dwindled to nothing, not to mention the fact that I had a weird feeling through those months. I didn't feel that the baby growing inside me was mine. I tried to ignore it at first, and whenever I did think about it I told myself I was having that thought because I was scared. But the feeling persisted, and it wouldn't be long before I found out why. In the meantime, I DID have a baby growing in my tummy, and I WAS the mother. And so I began to look towards the future with hope and love.

In the 5th stanza to that poem, you'll notice that the rhyme and rhythm are different than the rest of the poem. It was meant to stand out because it is important to me that my child knew that I would love him no matter what. It is something inside me that will never change. The phrase "mommy, mom, and mother" are used. It is meant to show time. Small children use the title "mommy". When they find out that it isn't cool to use that, it changes to "mom" and then finally, once the child is grown and has children of his own, it changes once again to "mother". Oh, how desperately I wanted to hear those words from my child throughout his life. I wasn't thinking just of the near future. I was thinking of eternity.

I had all those thoughts just in the first few days of finding out I was pregnant. Yes, I was scared to death, but I was so excited by the challenges and experiences this baby would bring. I would find myself lost in thought all the time, wondering what life would be like for this innocent, precious child. I wondered if he would ever hate me or think I was old fashioned. (Of course he would, don't we all?)

I frequently thought that it would be a good idea to be like my own parents. They are great examples of what parents should be, and I hoped to do as good as they did.

Most of all, I wondered if this baby would repair my relationship with Chris.

Thoughts For My Baby

My dearest little angel,
Though I cannot see you yet,
I know you're there, just waiting
For the day you take your breath.

I want to watch you grow and learn,
And live and laugh and love.
And I know God is watching,
Loving you, His son.

I want to be there, day by day,
Seeing who you'll be.
You'll skin your knees
And run around
And climb up every tree.

You'll also bring me flowers
And make me smile too.
You'll know that I will ALWAYS
Be not far from you.

I want to be a good mommy,
Mom, and Mother.
I want you to know that
You are not perfect,
As I am not perfect.
But I will love you
No matter what.

I want to tease you
On your first date,
And watch you kiss your bride.

And be the one you run to
When things are hurting inside.

I want to teach you
Of God and Man
And see which one you choose.

I want to know what lies ahead
And of God's plan for you.

My mind cannot yet comprehend
The mysteries of life.
But one day I will,
And so will you
And the rest of all mankind.

Until then, I am here,
Just waiting,
For the day you take your breath.

OH MY GOSH I'M PREGNANT?!

The morning of Jan 22nd, I got straight out of bed and took the test. I had a feeling I was. I just knew. But I still wasn't going to believe myself until I saw proof. Instead of waiting the three minutes for the result, I did a no-no... I peeked. And saw a little blue plus sign. I immediately had so much adrenaline rushing through me that I burst out of our bathroom and jumped back into bed, shaking so bad that Chris asked me what was wrong. I told him I was just really nervous to see the result. I felt bad for knowing before he did! And I also wasn't sure if the test started out positive and then turned negative or what, so I didn't want to say anything just in case.

Three minutes later, I told Chris to go look. I was so shocked that I couldn't look again. Was I really pregnant?!!!! What was I supposed to do?!!!!!! I was terrified of being pregnant, I always had been. I had always wanted to adopt because being pregnant and being in labor was one of my biggest fears. All this was going through my mind as Chris walked over to the test and studied it. Then he said, "What symbol is it supposed to be if you are pregnant?" Of course. He's a dude. He wouldn't notice the print ON THE TEST that says (+)=pregnant, (-)= not pregnant. Now I'm nearly frantic to know the answer for sure. JUST TELL ME WHAT THE STUPID THING SAYS!!!! So I asked if it had a plus or a minus sign. He waited for a minute, then said. "It's a plus".

All of a sudden I NEEDED to see that test again. To make sure he wasn't teasing me. I grabbed it and sure enough, a plus. A plus. PLUS. (+)= PREGNANT. And my mind went blank. I think Chris' did too. I just kept saying "oh my gosh, oh my gosh" a hundred times, until I came back to real life. Then Chris started talking about telling our families. WHAT? NO! It was too early! We'd only taken one test! My mom hates it when people tell her they are pregnant before they are through their first 3 months, because otherwise it just takes too long for the baby to get there! We hadn't even been to the doctor! What if the test was faulty, for heaven's sake. The test! Take the other test! So I took the other test. Positive again. I am proud to say that those are the only two tests I took. :)

Chris refused to wait to tell our parents, and so a few hours later we were in my driveway. I was hating myself. I did not want to be pregnant so soon. I did not want to be here at my parents telling them this. I knew what my parents would feel, and of course they would be right. We had no money for a baby, we weren't prepared for a baby, we didn't have room for a baby. What would we do? And then we were in the front door. I talked to my parents for a few and then Chris and me went upstairs where we could be alone for a minute, because I just couldn't do it. I knew exactly how my mom would react. I knew what my dad would feel, but I wasn't entirely sure how he would react. Why couldn't we just wait?! But I couldn't, because Chris was determined to tell his parents that day, and since our parents are neighbors, they talk a lot. What one knows, the other knows by the next week.

The pic is my whole family, taken a few years ago. 


Then my sister came upstairs. She would be 17 for a few more months. We told her that we had something to say, but she couldn't freak out or scream or anything (she's a pretty loud kid ha ha). So I told her she was going to be an aunt. True to character, she screamed. Thankfully it was in a whisper. At least someone was happy. It gave me the courage to go downstairs and tell my parents. I stood around awkwardly for a second, trying to figure out how to say it. Finally I just said "We have something to tell you", which of course got their attention. And then I told them they were going to be grandparents. I could tell my dad had a million thoughts running through his mind, but he managed a hug and a congratulations. I was very grateful for that. My mom was more reserved, I know she wanted to get all her worries out and I know that me being pregnant was very stressful for her, because of the situation we were in. But she kept it in for the time, for which I was also very grateful. She just went upstairs for a minute and then moved on to other things. I took it as a good sign, because this is what she does when she wants to think before she speaks, or when she doesn't feel prepared to face something. I was scared she was going to be disappointed in me. Not for being pregnant, she LOVES babies. But for not being responsible enough to wait until a time when we would be prepared for this. She was right of, course. She is always right! I know they were excited too, but they are very down to earth and so their minds immediately moved from "wow, we are going to be grandparents" to "how is our daughter going to be able to do this?" After a little bit she gave me a hug too, and I could tell how worried she was, so I decided it was time to go and leave her in peace for awhile. My parents love me so much! They are amazing. My brother (he'd turn 14 in a month) acted like he was too cool to care. But he did. You will see that, later. :) My other brother, who was nearly 20, was (and is) on a mission, so he would find out later.

Next, we moved on to Chris' parents. I had no idea what to expect with them. Luckily, Chris' sister (we'll call her L) was there, with her son (we'll call him G) who was a few months old. She would be excited just like my sister. And she was! We all were downstairs when I told them that G was going to have a cousin. L was happy, and Chris' parents I think were a little shocked but they hid it well. I remember talking about all the stupid names we'd come up with earlier that day, just to break the ice a little because I was feeling rather awkward. L was very nice to me. By that time I was so tired from the day's events that I don't remember what happened after that or what else was said. I just remember how excited Chris was to be a father.

Sorry Kim!!!

I have to apologize to my cousin, ha ha. I told her I'd write the next thing to my story today and I've just been too busy and now I need to go to bed! So I will try to do it tomorrow, ok Kim? :) Love ya!

BarlowGirl - Never Alone (Video)

This song shows a lot of my thoughts in the few months preceeding my decision to place for adoption. I love Barlow Girls!

The First Month

That first month and a half of our marriage seems so long ago, even though it's been less than a year. It was fairly peaceful and fun at first, even if we did have to deal with messy inconsiderate room mates. I don't really want to complain about them too much, because nobody is perfect, but MAN they were a pain in the butt!! I really could go on about them all day, but I won't because they could say the same thing about me... I will just say they made me very grateful for the way I was raised and all the things my parents taught me (even if I wasn't following any of it all that often).

Sometime in that first month, I remember I started to feel a longing to get back into church. It was a weird feeling because I had not been an active member for quite a few years and I didn't know why I was having these feelings other than I felt something was missing from my husband's and my life, and I knew that was it. However, I pushed all those feelings aside because I was scared that if I changed my life that much, it would all fall apart between Chris and me just when we were finally holding things together. Yes, I know that not inviting God into a spousal relationship was a recipe for disaster. Yes, I knew the reason Chris and me had so many problems was the very thing I was pushing away. But I was scared. I had no courage, no hope or faith in anyone but my own abilities, which I also knew were inadequate. But I still pushed God away, ignoring the ever increasing need for His guidance and love.

Also, sometime in that first month, our roommate's friend (we'll call her C.S.) moved onto our couch. She was 19, cute, outgoing, and as she told Chris and me over and over, she didn't live by any rules. She soon made her intentions very clear to me. She wanted my husband, and since rules didn't apply to her, she'd stop at nothing to get him. To say the situation in our apartment became hostile is an understatement. She knew what she was doing was wrong. I could tell by the way she would become quiet when I entered the same room, the way she could never hold my gaze. The way she always pouted and got moody when she thought she'd get Chris to herself for a few hours only to find out I was hanging around. Yes, I knew exactly what she was up to. So what did I do? I can tell you I didn't turn to God. No, I was still way too stubborn to do that. Someone once told me that the word stubborn is synonymous with "selfish". It means the same thing, and its true. Instead of having faith in God to help me, I tried to control the situation myself. If he went down the hallway, I went too. If he was going somewhere, I came too. If I heard C.S. talking to him, I was immediately there to see what she was saying. If he didn't come home right after work, I yelled. And I admit, because of all the stress and because I didn't trust her, I didn't trust him either. A marriage can't exist with no trust. You can imagine how hard it was for him, not having one second of the day to himself, with me always there, always asking what he'd been doing or if she'd texted him, etc. I was driving myself crazy, even. But I couldn't help it, not when this girl was everywhere. I'd go to Chris' work to see him (and to be controlling yet again) and she would be there. Every time. She texted him constantly. We'd go bowling, she would come. We'd go to the base near our apartment, she would come. She was EVERYWHERE. I felt like if I left Chris alone for more than a minute with her I'd lose him. She's very persuasive. Needless to say, the way I handled things wasn't helping. What idiots we all are sometimes! Even though it was stressful, it wasn't as bad as it was going to get. We still had some good times, we still laughed a lot and had fun and pretty much layed around watching tv. Times were good. I'd put a picture up but I kinda deleted all my pictures of us that I took after we were married... I got angry one day. It happens ha ha! So I'll skip a picture for this post. But guess what?!

 On January 22nd, I took a little test that morning, and the results came out positive. I was pregnant!! AAHHHH!!!!!

Quote

One of the adoptive couples that I looked at awhile back had this quote on their profile. I just wanted to post it because it gave me an extra push a lot of times. Next time I post I will get back to my story :)
"There is in every true woman's heart a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity; but which kindles and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity."
- Washington Irving

Mark Schultz - Everything To Me (Video)

The Married Life

Chris and me have known each other since about age 8, since we grew up down the street from each other. We drove each other nuts until we were almost out of junior high. Then we just tolerated each other for awhile. By high school I had a huge ol' crush on him, but of course he was a ladies man and I was just one of those thorns in his side that drove all the really cute girls away! LOL  I remember the night of my very first date, just after I turned 16, I got a phone call from him asking if I wanted to double with him and his friend Kelly. Of course! I was so excited to finally be going on a date with him, and quickly got ready, only to open the door when bell rang to find Kelly... Chris had failed to tell me on the phone that he had a girlfriend, and that it was his friend that needed the date. Oh well! His friend was cute too and I was glad to just be spending time with Chris. Of course, since it was my first date my mom had the camera out and everything and it was so embarrassing! I had also showed my sister a picture of Kelly in our yearbook and said he was cute, so of course she follows us down the front steps and blurts it all out "Kristi thinks you're really cute!". What a great start to my first date. But it ended up being really fun.

We graduated high school a few years later in 2004 and didn't see much of each other. Chris joined the National Guard and went quite a few places. Two of them being Nicaragua to help build schools/bridges/etc. and Louisiana when Hurricane Katrina hit. He was put on graveyard duty, meaning he got to find all the bodies. Since most of them were in water, they were swollen and every time he pulled on them they would explode. Some people would literally be dying when he came across them, and he would have to watch them die. He still has nightmares about all of it.
We started dating in March of 2007. I was so stinkin' excited!!! It sure took him long enough! We had time together for 2 months before he deployed to Iraq in May, and I was so proud to be a soldier's girlfriend. I used every excuse I could to bring it up to anyone who would listen! At the time I was living with my parents, and my cousins needed a roomie up in Logan, so I moved in with them and got a job at Pepperidge Farms. Chris and me got to email pretty much every day, which is amazing as most soldiers in the sandbox do not have time to do that. Chris' company was a security force so he spent a lot of time outside the safety zones, so really I don't know how he had the time to email so much. I'm very grateful for it though.

He came home over Christmas for leave, and proposed to me in front of his whole family. We'd been talking about it, he even told me he bought me a ring in Iraq, so I was expecting it. But it was good to finally have it official! He went back to Iraq for a few more months and came home in April of 2008. From there until we got married we broke up quite a few times. I'd break up with him because it always seemed like he was stringing other girls along and I didn't trust him, and he'd break up with me because I was extremely controlling and my depression was just too much for him to handle. But we always ended up back together.

We did have a lot of fun and we work well together when we aren't at each others throats, which was more often than not. After a couple months of seperation in 2009, we got back together in October and in mid November set a wedding date for Dec 7th. Wow, crazy, I know! The things I put my poor parents through. This was the time I was living in my car. Well, actually it would have been Chris' truck because he would not let me sleep alone in the middle of a parking lot. So he slept out there every night with me for a couple months in the cold weather. When I told my mom we had a wedding date set, she let me move back in since it was only for a few weeks. We decided to have the wedding in december and wait to have our reception in january, so as not to stress out my mom too much with plans. So on December 7, 2009, Chris and me got hitched in our church. We just had our immediate family and a few close friends there.

We went on our honeymoon to Midway, and ended up wrecking his truck on the way up. Which is typical. Chris has wrecked every vehicle he's owned except one. That's just his luck. We had three days to ourselves and then it was back to real life. We found an apartment with another couple, since we couldn't afford to live anywhere on our own. We knew the guy from high school but had never really talked to him or anything, and he had a girlfriend. Living with another couple was definitely not on our list of fun things to do, but it's all we could do. So our married life began.

Facts

Here is some more background information and random facts:
- I was almost 19 years old when I got my first kiss from a guy who was 9 years older than me. 

- My husband and me had an on again off again relationship for 3 years... and I still married him...

- I lived in my car for a couple months at the beginning of winter '09 because I refused to live by my parents rules and couldn't afford a place of my own.

- I have social anxiety and depression. When I was younger I couldn't even go up to the counter at mcdonalds to ask for ketchup. I never got A's in school because I could not do projects that involved standing up in front of the class or working in groups. I would not even cut my own cake at my wedding because people would be watching me too much. yup. Lame, eh? ha ha

- I am Mormon, but haven't really gone to church in the past 6 years. However, I am trying to change that. Through my experiences I've learned that you can't get through this life alone! Heavenly Father is only waiting for you to ask for His help, and there is no such thing as being so bad of a person that He will deny you that help. I love my religion and my God and hope I will never disappoint him so much ever again.

- My husband is a veteran, he served in Iraq from may '07 to april '08, and no matter how much I may say I am angry at him, I am so proud of him and all of our soldiers for doing what they have to do. There is so much to being a soldier that most people never even dream of, I have to say they probably have the hardest lives of anyone. I love our soldiers.

That's all for today!

Yay I have a blog...

So I'm not one to really be into typing stuff for all the world to see. But I belong to a certain group of amazing women known as "birthmothers". And the birthmothers that I know personally have all decided to start blogs, so I decided not to be left behind. :) So here we are! Honestly I really would like to tell my story, to let people know what it's like and sort of see behind the scenes so to speak. Here's a summary of everything, just to get started!
I am 24 years old, and in December 2009 I was married to one of my childhood friends. A month later we found out I was pregnant, and by March I was moved back into my parents home for reasons I will explain later. We decided the best thing to do for our baby boy was to place him for adoption. We found an awesome family and on August 31st, just barely a month ago, I had my little boy and two days after that placed him in the arms of a wonderful woman I had grown to know and love. The past year has been the most difficult and life changing experiences I have ever been through, and I am excited to share it all with you!
That's all for tonight though. See ya tomorrow! :)